A New Direction

Hello, is anyone there? Is the mic on?

I have an endless love affair with blogs, they are part of my daily reading, heck some of those people are just plain a part of my life. It's such a beautiful window into the honest, brutal, lovely, trying, joyful (etc, etc, etc..) parts of people's lives. I think what makes a blog so successful are two things: one, the commitment to show up in this space often, and the dedication to make the content yours.

From Scratch is my second blog and I certainly love the direction this one took more than the last, but I've struggled to show up, to be consistent and I think I've figured out why. This space has become more about what I think everyone will want, versus what I want. Really, at the end of the day, a blog is like a journal and if you aren't writing down things that actually matter to YOU, then what does it even matter. I've tried to make this space so many different things that just haven't made sense to me on a whole.

SO, that leads me to the crux of this post (for those who are listening)....as of today, I'm going to try something new. At large, the content will change and eventually so will the look. I want this blog to reflect my current journey, which is one of wellness, love, laughter, and just plain ol' life and its adventures. If I had it my way, I wouldn't do it alone and so truly my vision would be to make this space a place where many people would be writing. But that's all in due time.

If  you're here, please stick around!

101 in 1001

I've been reading Mackenzie Horan's blog for some time now and why it's taken me so long to join in on her 101 things in 1001 days challenge is beyond me, but here I am...finally making a list of my own! This list building stuff is difficult, who knew right?!

Start date: January 26th, 2015
End date: October 23rd, 2017

Personal.

• Lose 50 pounds
• Unplug (no phone, no computer) for 24 hours
• Volunteer somewhere new
• Host a party
• Read 40 new books
• See a Broadway play/musical
• Run a 5k
• Move to my own place
• Buy a pet fish
• Go skydiving
• Learn to paddle board 
• Go berry picking
• "Pay it forward" at Starbucks or a similar place
• Sponsor a child
• Watch a documentary 
• Create another photo book from a trip or other important life event
• Start taking yoga classes
• Build a blanket fort
• Find a way to be more involved with my church
• Make a big dinner for the people I love
• Have my make up professionally done
• Vote in the next election
• Visit a new museum 
• Fall in love
• Visit the NYC Christmas tree
• Go to brunch in NYC
• Adopt an animal
• Write a letter to myself to open in 5 years
• Drink only water for one month
• Go to a taping of SNL
• Leave a 100% tip
• Get a blowout from the salon
• Go on a first date
• Commit to my Weight Watchers plan for at least one month (longer hopefully!)
• Buy my little cousins each a sweet gift (all 11 of them)
• Pay for my parents to go to dinner or on a small trip
• Don't consume alcohol for one month
• Don't go out to eat for one month
• Read my Bible every Sunday
• Go to Church every Sunday (unless outstanding circumstances occur)
• Paint at least 5 new pictures
• Splurge on a nice camera for myself
• No shopping for one month
• Work out for 5 days a week for at least one month
• Try 5 new restaurants
• Try new dishes from my favorite restaurants (I have a bad habit of eating the same thing once I like it...for example, I've eaten the same Mexican Tortilla Salad from the Cheesecake Factory for the last two years...)
• Redesign my blog
• Say yes to everything (if appropriate) for one month
• Finish my savings fund for my future apartment, then expand the savings limit I set
• Create a savings fund for a new car
• Play a game of soccer or wiffle ball with friends
• Host a BBQ 
• Do a wine tasting
• Host friends for a poker game or other card game
• Go to bed at 9 p.m. Sunday through Thursday for one month
• Start a book club
• Journal in my "Line a day" book consistently for the next year
• Start and finish a new TV series on Netflix
• Go to the drive-in
• Go to a concert
• Attend 5 basketball games for my Alma Mater 
• Read for at least 30 minutes a night for one month
• Renew my boating and fishing licenses 
• Host a surprise party for a friend
• Buy fresh flowers every week for a month
• "Spring clean" all social media accounts
• Send out my own Christmas cards next year
• Pay ahead on my student loans to give myself a one month+ break in paying
• Watch 5 classic films
• Wash my face every night
• Brush my teeth twice a day for one month (guys, I really just don't like the feeling, but know I should make a habit of doing twice a day...I do brush once though, so no judging)
• Go to the movies once a month starting in February
• Unsubscribe from unwanted emails
• Buy "Bean Boots"
• Watch the sunrise
• Watch the sunset

Professional.

• Take writing classes
• Consider grad school or an additional certificate for my field
• Blog at least 300 times
• Take a Photoshop class
• Start a new blog series

Travel.

• Visit Costa Rica
• Visit the Statue of Liberty
• Visit Seattle
• Buy a post card in each place I travel to
• Do service in another country
• Take a trip to Cuba
• Go camping
• Take a "staycation" 
• Take a trip to the shore

Educational.

• Finish learning Spanish
• Learn to make pupusas
• Taking a cooking class
• Make 5 Pinterest recipes
• Open my cookbooks more often and cook my way through one of them
• Take additional ski lessons
• Go to a shooting range
• Take a dance class
• Make macaroons
• Learn to sew
• Plant a vegetable garden (aka learn to garden)

A little selfishness goes a long way...trust me

The word selfish has a wicked definition – one that I think many people would shy away from being referred to as. But, over the course of this past year or so, I’ve learned that without selfishness we often run the risk of losing ourselves along the way.

In August 2013, I hit, what my friends lovingly tell me, was rock bottom. I had spent the prior year-and-a-half in a relationship with a man that I thought I was going to marry, that I had banked on marrying. I was young – still am young – but all signs pointed towards that being the case. I was happy. But I was also lying to myself. So, after what I later realized was a tumultuous relationship, he broke up with me in a Panera Bread parking lot on our year-and-a-half “anniversary.”  I didn’t see it coming and I was devastated.

The next day, I took a page from the book “Eat, Pray, Love,” packed my bags, and made the five hour drive to my best friends cabin in Upstate New York to spend a week with no internet, no cell service, no nothing, I even deleted my Facebook for extra privacy.

It wasn’t until the tail end of my trip when the gravity of my situation hit me. We were sitting on a dock in the middle of a marsh when I realized that because I had spent the last year-and-a-half giving everything and sparing nothing to a man that undervalued me, that I in turn had actually given nothing to myself.

Aside from a handful of girlfriends who I rarely saw, I had no solid friendships. Despite my family's unwavering love, I placed next to no importance on our relationships. My schooling suffered, mental stability had been challenged and my ability to live in the present had died with my uncanny habit of living in the future. I had given myself so fully to that relationship that I left myself with no foundation to rely on.

I decided then, in that moment, that the only way to heal was to be selfish. I headed into my senior year of college with unmatched determination. I saw a therapist to once and for all learn to cope with my anxiety, I strengthened relationships with family and friends in beautiful ways, I traveled to El Salvador on an unforgettable service trip, finished my education and college experience in ways I will cherish forever and was employed by graduation.

It was a beautiful walk of life and one that was certainly met with hardships, but the lessons I learned are ones I’m grateful for. What I can tell you is this: selfishness feels wrong, but to be selfish, even in the slightest, is to place importance on yourself, your well-being, your happiness, your life. It was only when I decided to spend time on myself that my life became everything I wanted and needed it to be.

Selfishness means waking up in the morning and asking what you want from your day and your life, it’s going to the gym daily, drinking enough water, fostering relationships in every corner of your life – it’s whatever the hell you want it to be. Not everyone is going to like it, but the outcome…the outcome is magnificent.