A little over a week ago when we had that huge snowstorm, my favorite blogger wrote something that stung a little. She was talking about the snow and how beautiful it was at first in the city but how it quickly turned into a gross, slushy mess outside.
"Sad how fast that pretty stuff turns black here in the city."It hit a sore spot in my heart because I don't think that applies to just snow...
I have always loved New York, don't get me wrong. As a little girl I fantasized about living and working in the city. I wanted to make it big as a writer, never marry and slave over my career for the rest of my life. Granted I was a cynical teenager who had yet to get into the real world (who had yet to fall in love-that changes everything). The point is, I never stopped loving it. I got to college and still hoped to work there someday...to be that working girl in the city like every women I had ever admired.
When I took my recent job in the city I was ecstatic to be working in the city for the first time. I had a glamorous job and life seemed to be falling into my hands the way that I wanted it. What I soon realized was that the glamorous lifestyle that I thought New York provided was simply not the case.
Commuting into the city twice a week opens your eyes to a lot of New York that you otherwise wouldn't see. While you might not be a resident, by default, the time you spend in the city in some ways makes you an honorary New Yorker. You learn a lot about New York in a short time. You realize that those people you admire (the working people) are actually pretty cranky and they don't love life like you thought they did. You also become aware of how sad New York can be. You see the homeless...you see the drugs...you see everything. You see things you wish you hadn't. I think beautiful things come to New York and in someways the city kills them. I think if you let it, New York can ruin a dream.
Maybe it's that I have changed. I'm not that same teenage girl that I used to be that wanted the fast-paced New York lifestyle. I am in love and with that comes a load of different dreams. I want a home with a yard, I want a family, I want a slower paced life that I can enjoy. I no longer want New York. So maybe because I no longer want New York I am so aware of the negatives. Don't get me wrong, there are still parts I love. I just am no longer enarmored with this concrete jungle.
New York will always have a place in my heart...always. It's just no longer for me and sometimes that makes me sad.
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