Senioritis and a summary of life today

Yep...I fell off the face of the earth and I'm sorry.  It wasn't intentional, rather life just took its own course and I sorta jumped on board.  I was supposed to be in El Salvador last week but a volcano erupted.  That sounds like a joke, doesn't it?  But no, a volcano really did erupt and the trip I have been planning for forever to help people was completely cancelled.  Understandably, I felt a little down about the whole thing, but everything happens for a reason and I suppose I will figure out what this all means as time goes on.  I will say that it gave me some extra time with my family which I certainly felt that we needed.  In the wake of this and some other life happenings my brother and I spent a lot of time going to the movies, renting movies, cooking and watching America's Funniest Home Video's.  It was a break that was good for my heart and I had a really hard time moving back to school.

Alas, yesterday I packed up my car and headed back to my University for my last semester of undergrad.  I don't intend to go to grad-school (it's not necessary in my field) and so I am half excited, half terrified because life is about to begin in a big way and I just don't feel ready.  I have a bad case of senioritis and it could be the fact that it's raining today, but all I want to do to sleep.  Can't I just sleep the rest of the semester?

I think spring semester is always a tough one.  I've always been someone that likes to be able to get outside, even if it's a tad chilly, but I think this time of the year is just the worst.  January and February are cold, snowy, wet and disgusting and we follow that up with rainy March.  I become a little more cynical and cranky about things because this doesn't feel like a happppy time!  Right?  Does anyone else get a bad case of the wintertime blues?  I've been trying to do a bit more to combat the moodiness that I know comes with this time of year.  Aside from typical daily business and such, I've been trying to eat a tad healthier and get back to the gym.  I am generally someone that likes to be healthy but I'm also an emotional/anxiety eater.  Thus, in hard times, I eat.  Needless to say, I am not happy with myself these days and it's time to make a proactive change.  I'm back on Weight Watchers and back in the gym and so far I feel great.  More on body image later...

That's it for now!  I have a meeting tonight and some other business to care too and then it's back to work next week!

Click on the picture for original image :)

Becoming my biggest fan

I have always had really bad self-esteem, ever since I was a little girl.  I always wanted to be thinner, to look like the other girls, to fit in the clothes that they were wearing.  It never happened for me and it caused me to really lack self-esteem.  I didn't like a single part of me for a really long time and until recently I accepted that as my situation.

When I met Tim I was overwhelmed with how wonderful he was to me.  There's not a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am.  I fight him on it all the time and let me tell you, he fights back.  He is determined to show me how beautiful I am.

It got me thinking..."I wan't to see what he sees."  Lately, I have been feeling like I need to find a way to become my own biggest fan.  I need to wake up in the morning with good thoughts about myself otherwise I am going to be my own worst enemy.  How am I ever going to get healthy if I wake up with negative thoughts every morning?!

A couple weeks ago I professed on the blog that I am going to lose weight again and then I didn't, I didn't even try!  I began to self-wallow and as always I ate because of that (I am an emotional eater if you couldn't tell).  When it came time to think about my summer goals and what I wanted to see from myself, I decided there was no better time to start getting healthy than right now.

I want to become my biggest fan.

Losing weight isn't so much about fitting into the clothes that other girls wear like it was when I was younger. Now, it's about feeling good about myself and having a healthy outlook on life.  Right now, it's my number one goal.

Since being home, I have been following my Weight Watchers plan and working out daily.  Sometimes I wake up and fight myself all day about working out, but I eventually do it and it makes me proud.  It's time to feel good about myself and I hope that I will inspire some of you to do the same.

How do you all stay healthy and build good self-esteem?

My weight loss journey

 

At my heaviest weight.

At my skinniest!

I have been overweight my whole life.  Every since I could remember I have struggled to find clothes and to feel comfortable in my own skin. I tend to be an emotional eater, gaining the most weight at times when life hasn't been perfect.  Throughout high school I remember being unhappy with my weight but never to the point where I couldn't find something that looked nice on me.  I always prided myself in dressing really well for my size.  As a sophomore I was at a comfortable 190 pounds and then, when I least expected it, I put on a lot of weight fast.  My junior year of high school was a tough year and I will spare you all that sob story but by the time I reached my senior year, my eating habits had helped me gain a lot of weight.  When the spring of my freshmen year of college rolled around I decided it was finally time to step on the dreaded scale.  I wanted to die.  I had gained close to 100 pounds, putting my weight at 270.  I was mortified and quite honestly devastated that I had let myself gain that much weight.  So I joined Weight Watchers and it was the best decision I ever made.  I lost 50 pounds in my spring semester!  It was a phenomenal feeling and then something awful happened....I got really really sick. I was sick for the whole month of June and into July and didn't know it and by the end of July I was in the hospital with acute pancreatitis needing emergency surgery to take my gallbladder out.  The kicker was that my rapid weight loss, although I did it in a very healthy way, caused my illness.  Long story short I spent the next couple of months (really my whole summer) in recovery.  And there went my weight loss.

I tried to stay healthy after that, stick to Weight Watchers, the whole 9 yards, but it was hard and eventually I let myself quit.  So...for the past year and a half, I have been putting weight back on.  I hadn't been letting it bother me until recently when I realized I could tell.  I myself, looking in the mirror, trying to put clothes on that were fitting a little too snug, could notice. And maybe no one else can, Tim sure as hell doesn't, but I do and I hate it. 

So on Sunday, after talking to Tim, I decided it was time to jump back on the weight loss bandwagon.  I pulled up my Weight Watchers account and promised myself to stick to it...no matter how hard. I haven't weighed myself yet, I think I am a little scared to see what it says, but when I do, I will keep you all posted.

I think that if I report back here every once in a while it will keep me honest.  It will keep me going.  It has never been about fitting into a size 0.  I am a chunky girl and I just want to be healthy.  I want to look into the mirror and be happy with what I see.

The way I see it is that before I know it I am going to be a bride and I really don't want to look at those wedding photos one day and hate what I see.  Tim will love me no matter what and I love that about him, but it's on me to love myself.  He can't do that for me too. So if there is any artificial reason for me really doing this..it's so I like myself in a wedding dress.

Thanks for listening and wish me luck!