The word selfish has a wicked definition – one that I think
many people would shy away from being referred to as. But, over the course of
this past year or so, I’ve learned that without selfishness we often run the
risk of losing ourselves along the way.
In August 2013, I hit, what my friends lovingly tell me, was
rock bottom. I had spent the prior year-and-a-half in a relationship with a man
that I thought I was going to marry, that I had banked on marrying. I was young
– still am young – but all signs pointed towards that being the case. I was
happy. But I was also lying to myself. So, after what I later realized was a
tumultuous relationship, he broke up with me in a Panera Bread parking lot on
our year-and-a-half “anniversary.” I
didn’t see it coming and I was devastated.
The next day, I took a page from the book “Eat, Pray, Love,”
packed my bags, and made the five hour drive to my best friends cabin in
Upstate New York to spend a week with no internet, no cell service, no nothing,
I even deleted my Facebook for extra privacy.
It wasn’t until the tail end of my trip when the gravity of
my situation hit me. We were sitting on a dock in the middle of a marsh when I
realized that because I had spent the last year-and-a-half giving everything
and sparing nothing to a man that undervalued me, that I in turn had actually
given nothing to myself.
Aside from a handful of girlfriends who I rarely saw, I had no
solid friendships. Despite my family's unwavering love, I placed next to no
importance on our relationships. My schooling suffered, mental stability had
been challenged and my ability to live in the present had died with my uncanny
habit of living in the future. I had given myself so fully to that relationship
that I left myself with no foundation to rely on.
I decided then, in that moment, that the only way to heal
was to be selfish. I headed into my senior year of college with unmatched
determination. I saw a therapist to once and for all learn to cope with my
anxiety, I strengthened relationships with family and friends in beautiful
ways, I traveled to El Salvador on an unforgettable service trip, finished my
education and college experience in ways I will cherish forever and was
employed by graduation.
It was a beautiful walk of life and one that was certainly
met with hardships, but the lessons I learned are ones I’m grateful for. What I
can tell you is this: selfishness feels wrong, but to be selfish, even in the
slightest, is to place importance on yourself, your well-being, your happiness,
your life. It was only when I decided to spend time on myself that my life
became everything I wanted and needed it to be.
Selfishness means waking up in the morning and asking what
you want from your day and your life, it’s going to the gym daily, drinking
enough water, fostering relationships in every corner of your life – it’s
whatever the hell you want it to be. Not everyone is going to like it, but the
outcome…the outcome is magnificent.
