Becoming my biggest fan

I have always had really bad self-esteem, ever since I was a little girl.  I always wanted to be thinner, to look like the other girls, to fit in the clothes that they were wearing.  It never happened for me and it caused me to really lack self-esteem.  I didn't like a single part of me for a really long time and until recently I accepted that as my situation.

When I met Tim I was overwhelmed with how wonderful he was to me.  There's not a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me how beautiful I am.  I fight him on it all the time and let me tell you, he fights back.  He is determined to show me how beautiful I am.

It got me thinking..."I wan't to see what he sees."  Lately, I have been feeling like I need to find a way to become my own biggest fan.  I need to wake up in the morning with good thoughts about myself otherwise I am going to be my own worst enemy.  How am I ever going to get healthy if I wake up with negative thoughts every morning?!

A couple weeks ago I professed on the blog that I am going to lose weight again and then I didn't, I didn't even try!  I began to self-wallow and as always I ate because of that (I am an emotional eater if you couldn't tell).  When it came time to think about my summer goals and what I wanted to see from myself, I decided there was no better time to start getting healthy than right now.

I want to become my biggest fan.

Losing weight isn't so much about fitting into the clothes that other girls wear like it was when I was younger. Now, it's about feeling good about myself and having a healthy outlook on life.  Right now, it's my number one goal.

Since being home, I have been following my Weight Watchers plan and working out daily.  Sometimes I wake up and fight myself all day about working out, but I eventually do it and it makes me proud.  It's time to feel good about myself and I hope that I will inspire some of you to do the same.

How do you all stay healthy and build good self-esteem?

Summer goals for 2013

Lately I've been talking a lot without really doing a lot.  It fees like my "to do list" in my head is about 10 pages long and I already feel defeated! To avoid further feelings of defeat, I have decided to refer to this daunting "to do list" as my goals for the summer because then we can all throw a party when I accomplish one :)

Anyways, I figured it was time to write it all down so that I can be held accountable for these so-called goals of mine!  Hereeee goes nothing!

1.  Lose 40 pounds by the start of my senior year of college.  Guys, the big year is coming up and I sorta just wanna look fabulous for it.  Most importantly, I wan't to feel good during it.  There's nothing worse than looking back on pictures and thinking "wow, I really don't like how I look here."  You'll never want to look at those pictures and that's a shame.

2.  Room re-do!  I gave my room at home a major overhaul the summer before I left for college and although it seems silly, there isn't much in that room that represents my current style.  A lot changes in 3ish year and I figured now is a great time for a mini-haul.  The plan thus far is to paint a chalkboard wall, build a bookshelf out of crates, give my desk area a total makeover including a new paint job and spruce things up as we go.  I want this to be done cheaply, because I am after all a broke college kid.

3.  Speaking of that room of mine...I need to clean bad.  Never in my life have I felt the need to just throw everything (well mostly everything) away and start over.  There's so much in my room that I don't need anymore and the clutter is becoming unbearable.  Ideally I'd like to donate basically everything and anything I can.  Stay tuned because I imagine this is going to be a hot mess.

4.  Enhance this blogging experience.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I have a lot of goals for this here blog.  I just haven't done them yet and Tim keeps lovingly reminding me of that.  I'd like to take this summer and really make this something.

5.  Find an internship for the fall that I will enjoy.  I want to really fall in love with my major again and that means I refuse to settle in the fall.  I want to find something that makes me happy even if it means being picky.

6.  I'd like to work on myself a bit.  I feel like everyone says this, but it's true.  I'd like to take some time to explore myself and figure out how to make myself a better woman.  Being in a relationship has shown me a lot of what I like and don't like about myself and I really want to improve the things that need improving!

7.  I would like to cut down my use of social media.  Lately I have been so aware of how the stupid iPhone (I love you iPhone, don't be mad) interjects into our daily lives.  Sometimes I ban them for the day when Tim and I are together because there is nothing I hate worse than sitting somewhere with him and both of us are constantly checking Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and trying to beat 1,000 levels of Candy Crush Saga.  Give it a rest!  The plan is once I leave school for summer (because how the hell am I going to get through finals without distractions?!) I am going to delete the apps from my iPhone and only check in when I am near a computer or my iPad (which is like never).

That's all I can think of for now, but I feel like this is going to be updated quite frequently!

What are you guys planning to accomplish this summer?!

So I think I'll stay indoors

It's gross today in the city.  After the snow/ice last night and what has turned into a misty rain, New York is just wet.  Slush is everywhere you walk, everyone is fighting for space on the sidewalk with their umbrellas (I refer to this as umbrella wars) and you have to stand far from the street in fear of being splashed by a car.  It's one of those days that I'd rather be home in the comfort of my bed than at work, but atleast I don't have to go outside today.  Atleast not until it is time to leave.   I find it so hard to believe that spring starts tomorrow and we are still having the cold temperatures that we are experiencing.  To raise my spirits I decided to paint my nails with one of the new shades off of Essie's spring line.  It is the best damn blue I have ever bought.  So bright and so fun!  It's absolutley raising my spirits on this crappy day.

It's slow in the office today, so there's that.  In other news, I'm still struggling with my weight loss.  I have been feeling extra self concious these days but I promise you all I have been sticking to the diet.  It's just rough and it doesn't help when you are dressing for awful weather.  There's nothing about myself right now that makes me feel pretty. 

Also, as a side note.  Thank you to all of you who are reading.  It makes this blog so enjoyable for me!!

My weight loss journey

 

At my heaviest weight.

At my skinniest!

I have been overweight my whole life.  Every since I could remember I have struggled to find clothes and to feel comfortable in my own skin. I tend to be an emotional eater, gaining the most weight at times when life hasn't been perfect.  Throughout high school I remember being unhappy with my weight but never to the point where I couldn't find something that looked nice on me.  I always prided myself in dressing really well for my size.  As a sophomore I was at a comfortable 190 pounds and then, when I least expected it, I put on a lot of weight fast.  My junior year of high school was a tough year and I will spare you all that sob story but by the time I reached my senior year, my eating habits had helped me gain a lot of weight.  When the spring of my freshmen year of college rolled around I decided it was finally time to step on the dreaded scale.  I wanted to die.  I had gained close to 100 pounds, putting my weight at 270.  I was mortified and quite honestly devastated that I had let myself gain that much weight.  So I joined Weight Watchers and it was the best decision I ever made.  I lost 50 pounds in my spring semester!  It was a phenomenal feeling and then something awful happened....I got really really sick. I was sick for the whole month of June and into July and didn't know it and by the end of July I was in the hospital with acute pancreatitis needing emergency surgery to take my gallbladder out.  The kicker was that my rapid weight loss, although I did it in a very healthy way, caused my illness.  Long story short I spent the next couple of months (really my whole summer) in recovery.  And there went my weight loss.

I tried to stay healthy after that, stick to Weight Watchers, the whole 9 yards, but it was hard and eventually I let myself quit.  So...for the past year and a half, I have been putting weight back on.  I hadn't been letting it bother me until recently when I realized I could tell.  I myself, looking in the mirror, trying to put clothes on that were fitting a little too snug, could notice. And maybe no one else can, Tim sure as hell doesn't, but I do and I hate it. 

So on Sunday, after talking to Tim, I decided it was time to jump back on the weight loss bandwagon.  I pulled up my Weight Watchers account and promised myself to stick to it...no matter how hard. I haven't weighed myself yet, I think I am a little scared to see what it says, but when I do, I will keep you all posted.

I think that if I report back here every once in a while it will keep me honest.  It will keep me going.  It has never been about fitting into a size 0.  I am a chunky girl and I just want to be healthy.  I want to look into the mirror and be happy with what I see.

The way I see it is that before I know it I am going to be a bride and I really don't want to look at those wedding photos one day and hate what I see.  Tim will love me no matter what and I love that about him, but it's on me to love myself.  He can't do that for me too. So if there is any artificial reason for me really doing this..it's so I like myself in a wedding dress.

Thanks for listening and wish me luck!