My weight loss journey

 

At my heaviest weight.

At my skinniest!

I have been overweight my whole life.  Every since I could remember I have struggled to find clothes and to feel comfortable in my own skin. I tend to be an emotional eater, gaining the most weight at times when life hasn't been perfect.  Throughout high school I remember being unhappy with my weight but never to the point where I couldn't find something that looked nice on me.  I always prided myself in dressing really well for my size.  As a sophomore I was at a comfortable 190 pounds and then, when I least expected it, I put on a lot of weight fast.  My junior year of high school was a tough year and I will spare you all that sob story but by the time I reached my senior year, my eating habits had helped me gain a lot of weight.  When the spring of my freshmen year of college rolled around I decided it was finally time to step on the dreaded scale.  I wanted to die.  I had gained close to 100 pounds, putting my weight at 270.  I was mortified and quite honestly devastated that I had let myself gain that much weight.  So I joined Weight Watchers and it was the best decision I ever made.  I lost 50 pounds in my spring semester!  It was a phenomenal feeling and then something awful happened....I got really really sick. I was sick for the whole month of June and into July and didn't know it and by the end of July I was in the hospital with acute pancreatitis needing emergency surgery to take my gallbladder out.  The kicker was that my rapid weight loss, although I did it in a very healthy way, caused my illness.  Long story short I spent the next couple of months (really my whole summer) in recovery.  And there went my weight loss.

I tried to stay healthy after that, stick to Weight Watchers, the whole 9 yards, but it was hard and eventually I let myself quit.  So...for the past year and a half, I have been putting weight back on.  I hadn't been letting it bother me until recently when I realized I could tell.  I myself, looking in the mirror, trying to put clothes on that were fitting a little too snug, could notice. And maybe no one else can, Tim sure as hell doesn't, but I do and I hate it. 

So on Sunday, after talking to Tim, I decided it was time to jump back on the weight loss bandwagon.  I pulled up my Weight Watchers account and promised myself to stick to it...no matter how hard. I haven't weighed myself yet, I think I am a little scared to see what it says, but when I do, I will keep you all posted.

I think that if I report back here every once in a while it will keep me honest.  It will keep me going.  It has never been about fitting into a size 0.  I am a chunky girl and I just want to be healthy.  I want to look into the mirror and be happy with what I see.

The way I see it is that before I know it I am going to be a bride and I really don't want to look at those wedding photos one day and hate what I see.  Tim will love me no matter what and I love that about him, but it's on me to love myself.  He can't do that for me too. So if there is any artificial reason for me really doing this..it's so I like myself in a wedding dress.

Thanks for listening and wish me luck!

On going caffeine free

My favorite mug :)

About two months ago I began experiencing anxiety really bad again.  I wasn't sleeping or eating and in general was feeling pretty unhealthy.  I knew that all of that was revving up the anxiety so I began the process of cleansing my body so that I would feel better.

After talking to my boyfriend and a few close friends I made the decision to go caffeine free because after close observation I realized it might be at the core of all my issues.

Right before I quit caffeine I realized I was suffering from awful headaches and was always shaky.  I was the type of person to drink coffee/tea/caffeinated beverages multiple times a day and I was coming to a point where my body actually needed me to stop.  Caffeine can cause cause those headaches, the jitters, in fact it can cause lack of sleep and appetite as well if you have it too much and have a reaction.  Everything I was feeling was in an unhealthy circle caused by too much caffeine consumption.  So I quit...

Sometimes it really sucks.  Like on days when I'm exhausted.  I think to myself "one thing with caffeine won't hurt me."  But it would.  My body simply cannot handle it all that well.  It also sucks on days when I go to get a coffee or tea and the place doesn't offer decaf.  It actually puts me in an awful mood.  Just ask Tim.  I think he's scared of me when I get frustrated like that.

Overall, I am really glad I made this decision for myself.  I feel so much better after having stopped consuming it and I think it is something a lot of people should consider.  It's absolutely not for everyone, but it's absolutely for me.

New York City...you aren't the same

A little over a week ago when we had that huge snowstorm, my favorite blogger wrote something that stung a little.  She was talking about the snow and how beautiful it was at first in the city but how it quickly turned into a gross, slushy mess outside.

"Sad how fast that pretty stuff turns black here in the city."

It hit a sore spot in my heart because I don't think that applies to just snow...

I have always loved New York, don't get me wrong.  As a little girl I fantasized about living and working in the city.  I wanted to make it big as a writer, never marry and slave over my career for the rest of my life.  Granted I was a cynical teenager who had yet to get into the real world (who had yet to fall in love-that changes everything).  The point is, I never stopped loving it. I got to college and still hoped to work there someday...to be that working girl in the city like every women I had ever admired.

When I took my recent job in the city I was ecstatic to be working in the city for the first time.  I had a glamorous job and life seemed to be falling into my hands the way that I wanted it.  What I soon realized was that the glamorous lifestyle that I thought New York provided was simply not the case.

Commuting into the city twice a week opens your eyes to a lot of New York that you otherwise wouldn't see.  While you might not be a resident, by default, the time you spend in the city in some ways makes you an honorary New Yorker.  You learn a lot about New York in a short time.  You realize that those people you admire (the working people) are actually pretty cranky and they don't love life like you thought they did.  You also become aware of how sad New York can be.  You see the homeless...you see the drugs...you see everything.  You see things you wish you hadn't.  I think beautiful things come to New York and in someways the city kills them.  I think if you let it, New York can ruin a dream. 

Maybe it's that I have changed.  I'm not that same teenage girl that I used to be that wanted the fast-paced New York lifestyle.  I am in love and with that comes a load of different dreams.  I want a home with a yard, I want a family, I want a slower paced life that I can enjoy.  I no longer want New York.  So maybe because I no longer want New York I am so aware of the negatives.  Don't get me wrong, there are still parts I love.  I just am no longer enarmored with this concrete jungle. 

New York will always have a place in my heart...always.  It's just no longer for me and sometimes that makes me sad. 

February update!

I hope everyone is staying warm this month with all the snow and cold weather we have had.  Today is actually on the more mild side and I could not be happier.  I was excited to break out the lighter jacket today instead of going into the city with my pea coat.  Anyway, I know it has been a while since I've blogged last (almost a month to be exact...I suck, I know) but here I am again to update you all on the month of February!

It's been a busy month on my end but it's been filled with such beautiful moments.  Here is the run down:

On February 10, Tim and I celebrated our one year anniversary!  It was such a beautiful day and it felt amazing to come full circle.  He had to work that day so I spent it with his family.  His older sister Vickie did my hair for the night and I got ready to go out to dinner.  He bought champagne and met me at home to go out for the night.  We exchanged gifts (I got a camera!) and then headed to a sweet little Italian restaurant.  It was such a wonderful day for the two of us.  I love Tim so much and I am just so thrilled to be spending the rest of my life with him.  I think when you hit the one mark with someone or even approach it everything changes.  You guys settle in and the relationship isn't as new as it was, but it doesn't mean it isn't as exciting!  Tim and I are entering the next stage of our relationship and I am so so so so happy. 

Febuary 14 is next.  Valentine's Day! I had to work this day but Tim came in a met me in the city.  We went to a great little pub by my work and ate a nice dinner together.  After that we had a horrible cab ride in which the man accidentaly took us to Lincoln Center instead of Rockefeller Center and then refused to take us to the right place without charging up.  $20 later....we made it to Rockefeller Center and went ice skating!  I wasn't feeling 100% but I stuck it out and we ice skated for a bit.  It was so sweet and fun and we survived the whole thing without falling!  MIRACLE!  It was nice to see all the couples on the rink.  Some were old, some were young, all seemed in love.  It was wonderful.  He ended the night by buying me my favorite flowers in the city :)

This past weekend, on Friday, I headed home for the night since I wasn't feeling too well.  My parents took me to a really nice dinner and then we just watched TV for the night.  I got really lucky and happened to stop home the same night my best friend did so we met in the morning for a great breakfast on my way out of town.  There is nothing like talking to your best friend and catching up.  I always tell Tim everything, he is first and foremost my best friend, but it is always nice to talk to a girl friend. 

On Saturday morning I had my Call to Continuing Converting for my RCIA.  I am in the process of converting to Catholocism and I loved going to the Cathedral Bascilica in Newark for this special liturgy with people on the same journey that I am on!



Later on Saturday we celbrated several birthday's with Tim's family and went out to lunch with everyone.  Tim ordered a burger that came with a knife through it!  It was hilarious.  We also got some wonderful wonderful news within the family and I am so excited. 

Later on Saturday I headed back to school and met my friend Ally for some dinner, shopping and desert.  We had a blast just bumming around town and went to this cute French place for macaroons!  They are my absolute favorite!



 On Sunday I was craving the perfect cup of coffee (I am very sick and was due for..well you know).  The problem is that I can only have decaf coffee.  First we tried 711 which is our go to spot in town.  They of course have nothing.  Then we try McDonalds and the person was so slowwwww on the intercom thingy that we just bailed.  Ain't no ONE got time for that.  After I had a mini meltdown Tim took me to the diner we always get food at and I got my cup of coffee there.  Perfect.  The thing is Tim always smells like coffee, it is like my favorite thing ever.  He always makes his cup perfect at the diner so I wanted it to taste the same.  I'm glad we went back and made it happen.  He is the best <3

In other news I gave up froyo for Lent which is awful because all I want is FROYO.  Tim and I also gave up cellphones on Sundays so that we focus more on each other on that day.  Generally it is the only day we have nothing to do but be with each other. 

(I'm probably forgetting a million things, but that is okay)

The rest of February is shaping up to be amazing as well so I will keep everyone posted!